Disgusted protesters want Yaniv Blumenfeld and skanky Five Franklin Place condo out of TriBeCa.
WHITE PLAINS, NY — A suspicious device attached to the neck of disgraced real estate investor and professional idiot Yaniv Blumenfeld for the past fifteen years was found to contain a non-explosive mixture of five sulfur-containing chemicals that smell like rotting food and carcasses, police said Thursday.
Blumenfeld said he was told to wear the device when he was full cavity-searched at an airport security checkpoint in Tel Aviv during an overseas trip fifteen years ago.
After reading how a ski-mask-clad man entered the suburban Sydney home of Madeleine Pulver on August 3rd and chained a bomb-like device to her neck, Blumenfeld asked police to examine his neck attachment. Officials managed to free Pulver unhurt after 10 hours. Local police referred Blumenfeld to the Bronx Zoo, who referred him to the Sanitation Department where Blumenfeld was able to get an appointment for the following week. Sewer workers removed the stencher with specialized tools normally reserved for Staten Island.
“With the benefit of hindsight, I now see that the whole thing might have been a practical joke,” Blumenfeld said after the device was finally removed.
Foul smelling chemicals spewed steadily from the device during the fifteen-year period Blumenfeld wore it around his neck, sewer investigators said. The noxious substances have been identified and are known to be used by the governments of Israel and the United States in law enforcement and the military as riot control and area denial weapons. Stink bomb weaponry has advantages over traditional riot control agents: unlike pepper spray and tear gas, stink bombs are believed not to be dangerous and are effective at low concentrations.
Blumenfeld’s ordeal isn’t over, however. Long-term exposure to the malodorous compounds mean it could be years before the active ingredients are flushed out of Blumenfeld’s system. In the meantime, Blumenfeld will continue to stink to high heaven.
Opponents of the Five Franklin Place condo project in TriBeCa say they want the foul-smelling Blumenfeld and his chicken-shit development project out of their neighborhood. “If we wanted to live in New Jersey, we’d move there,” one neighbor said, holding his nose.
On the bright side, the Yaniv Blumenfeld stench had the unanticipated effect of bringing hundreds of jobs to White Plains as tanneries and glue factories relocated to the neighborhood around Blumenfeld’s personal residence.
helgabluth 