Category: Scheisskopf


Thomas P. Zugibe, Rockland County DA, apparently does not have enough serious crime to keep him busy.

Thomas P. Zugibe, Rockland County DA, apparently does not have enough serious crime to keep him busy.

Apparently there isn’t enough real crime in Rockland County, New York, to keep the District Attorney’s office busy.

So Rockland County DA Robert P. Zugibe has time to do personal favors at taxpayer expense for thin-skinned Wall Street types.

The DA’s office acted at the behest of Wall Street banker Kelly Gaines, who apparently took offense at a sarcastic blog post on the helgabluth web site.

The offending blog post reports on Gaines’ recent change in employment. Gaines’s work history includes making high-risk commercial real estate loans during the financial bubble. Many
of these loans went into default, contributing to the financial meltdown and the nation’s current economic malaise. Like most Wall Street scoundrels, Gaines has not been charged with a crime in connection with any of these transactions as far as we know.

Gaines recruited the Rockland DA to issue a subpoena for Internet data from the blog’s publisher, WordPress, under the guise of a “criminal investigation”. The subpoena neglects to mention what “crime” is involved. (Is sarcasm now a crime in New York State? Or was the hurt to Mr. Gaines’ feelings of criminal proportions? Does making Kelly Gaines pee his pants count as damage to property?)

The scene in the Rockland County District Attorney's office early this week.

Where the law enforcement action is: the Rockland County District Attorney's office earlier this week.

One violent criminal we interviewed expressed relief that the DA’s office resources were being squandered on such silliness. The admitted repeat offender, who asked not to be identified, said, “Government misappropriation and abuse of public office by law enforcement only makes it less likely that they’ll ever get focused on putting violent offenders like me behind bars. Keep up the good work!”

So if someone gave you the stink eye, don’t just take it. Call your local DA and get a criminal investigation started!

Yaniv Blumenfeld is Shithead of the Year!

Yaniv Blumenfeld is Shithead of the Year!

Disgraced real estate investor Yaniv Blumenfeld

Disgraced real estate investor Yaniv Blumenfeld hiding from creditors in an area strip club.

WHITE PLAINS, NY — Troubled real estate firm Glacier Global Partners LLP, coming to grips with its impending doom, announced a new mission statement, “Forage by day. Hide at night.”

The new mission statement edged out popular runner up, “To the bitter end.”

The new mission statement should guide the actions of Glacier Global Partners, spell out its overall goal, provide a sense of direction, and guide decision-making as the crippled investment firm enters its death spiral.

“The future is in our hands,” said disgraced Managing Director Yaniv Blumenfeld. “Only we can decide whether Glacier Global will crash and burn in a hideous public scandal or fade quietly into oblivion. Or maybe both.”

Yuck Faaaanniiiiiiiiiiivvvvv!

Those Glacier Global assholes will just have to find another asshole managing director

How about simply, 'Fuck Yaniv'? Or even better, 'Yaniv Sucks!'?

Vent your darkest emotions while engaging in financial flim-flamery, just like a real fourth-tier Wall Street banker!

The latest update makes Grand Theft Wall Street even more realistic.

In this update of Grand Theft Wall Street, you’ll engage in a single-player campaign to spread as much human misery and destroy as much value as possible, all while trying to shift the blame to the most unlikely scapegoats. In the series cheered (and criticized) for glorifying incompetent financial risk management, you’ll make horrendous blunders, lose massive sums of other peoples’ money, bitch slap your female interns, associate with other Wall Street lowlifes and do many, many other bad deeds. GTWS gives us characters with a level of superficiality so realistic, you’ll think you’re right on the trading floor of a Wall Street casino.

You play as Yaniv Blumenfeld, a mercurial, belligerent, stateless, undocumented Middle Eastern third-tier banker with a dark past. Socially and financially inept, you nevertheless recruit a team of unpaid interns who soon discover you may have fibbed a bit in your tales of success. You parlay your talents and a $1.0 million stake from demented elderly relatives into a $35 million pyramid of debt you’ve named Glacier Global Partners. Along the way you pick up some very bad habits and associates. The longer we stay with Yaniv, the more we see that there is a broken human being inside, one who would give anything to escape the person he once was.

Bugfixes in this update of the Grand Theft Wall Street action-adventure video game:

  • fixed an intermittent bug where a virtual subordinate did a good job but the Yaniv Blumenfeld character malfunctioned and failed to feel threatened and make it his mission to destroy the character, thereby undermining the game’s realism
  • fixed a bug which allowed disabling of the Yaniv character’s ‘narcissistic sociopath’ and ‘prima donna’ behaviors, resulting in unrealistic gameplay scenarios
  • fixed a bug where the Yaniv character tipped generously at a strip club
  • fixed a bug where the Yaniv character fucked up a financial projection spreadsheet causing a deal blew to up in his face (so far, so good; Where’s the bug?). BUT then not only did the Yaniv character intermittently fail to detonate a hissy fit, he failed to go into scapegoat mode (i.e., trying to blame a broker, colleague, subordinate or Hamas for his own blunder); shitstorm mode also failed to engage
  • fixed an intermittent bug where the blundering Yaniv character failed to enter ‘enhanced’ scapegoat mode (i.e., the Yaniv character spreading malicious false rumors about his intended scapegoats, sniping at the scapegoats in meetings, displaying the scapegoats’ severed heads on pikes, using their blood for his cave paintings, and leaving their bodies unburied to be devoured by dogs, etc. ‘Acts of God’ added to the list of targets the Yaniv character can blame for catastrophes resulting from his own negligence or stupidity.
  • fixed a graphic error which caused the stocky, diminutive Blumenfeld to appear taller than Joe Pesci and R2-D2
  • fixed an intermittent bug where the Yaniv character uncharacteristically put in a full day’s work while allowing a subordinate to leave early for a gynecological appointment
  • Yaniv Blumenfeld Partying

    Yaniv Blumenfeld partying in 'Grand Theft' style.

  • fixed a bug that generated a scenario in which the Yaniv character competently and courageously landed a stricken U.S. Airways jet airliner in the Hudson River and acted selflessly to save the lives of all the passengers (yeah, in what alternate universe?)
  • fixed an intermittent bug where a Glacier Global Partners LLP real estate deal inexplicably made economic sense, investors were pleased and nobody got ripped off
  • fixed a bug where the Yaniv character paid a sincere compliment to a female colleague instead of spreading vile rumors about her to his cronies
  • fixed a bug where a toady didn’t let the Yaniv character win at Halo during a Glacier Global partner meeting
  • fixed a bug where the Yaniv character went off his anti-psychotic medication and nothing unusual happened
  • fixed a bug where the Yaniv character started paying his bills in full on time for no particular reason
  • fixed an intermittent bug where the Yaniv character’s face failed to turn red and become grotesquely distorted during a clusterfuck sequence
  • fixed the bug where instead of pretending that you never told him important information that you for certain had told him and being angry at you, the Yaniv character pretends you told him good news that you never did and is pleased with you
  • fixed the bug where instead of it being all about the Yaniv character all the time, it was a little bit about someone or something else occasionally
  • fixed a bug in the graphic algorithm which, during brown-nosing mode, caused the Yaniv character’s head to appear less than fully embedded
  • corrected a bug in the rate of speed that disconsolate investors fall after leaping to their welcome deaths from the Playgirl Building. Corrected bounce height and trajectory of investors hitting the pavement and motor vehicles on Second Avenue. Corrected audio to replace fart sound with splat.
  • for added pomposity added reverb effect to “I have spoken!”, the phrase the Yaniv character tacks on the end of his every statement.
  • fixed a timing bug in which the Yaniv character would say, “Who did that?” before farting himself