Yaniv Blumenfeld Freed From Stink Bomb Strapped to Neck

Disgusted protesters want Yaniv Blumenfeld and skanky Five Franklin Place condo out of TriBeCa.

WHITE PLAINS, NY — A suspicious device attached to the neck of disgraced real estate investor and professional idiot Yaniv Blumenfeld for the past fifteen years was found to contain a non-explosive mixture of five sulfur-containing chemicals that smell like rotting food and carcasses, police said Thursday.

Blumenfeld said he was told to wear the device when he was full cavity-searched at an airport security checkpoint in Tel Aviv during an overseas trip fifteen years ago.

After reading how a ski-mask-clad man entered the suburban Sydney home of Madeleine Pulver on August 3rd and chained a bomb-like device to her neck, Blumenfeld asked police to examine his neck attachment. Officials managed to free Pulver unhurt after 10 hours. Local police referred Blumenfeld to the Bronx Zoo, who referred him to the Sanitation Department where Blumenfeld was able to get an appointment for the following week. Sewer workers removed the stencher with specialized tools normally reserved for Staten Island.

“With the benefit of hindsight, I now see that the whole thing might have been a practical joke,” Blumenfeld said after the device was finally removed.

Foul smelling chemicals spewed steadily from the device during the fifteen-year period Blumenfeld wore it around his neck, sewer investigators said. The noxious substances have been identified and are known to be used by the governments of Israel and the United States in law enforcement and the military as riot control and area denial weapons. Stink bomb weaponry has advantages over traditional riot control agents: unlike pepper spray and tear gas, stink bombs are believed not to be dangerous and are effective at low concentrations.

Blumenfeld’s ordeal isn’t over, however. Long-term exposure to the malodorous compounds mean it could be years before the active ingredients are flushed out of Blumenfeld’s system. In the meantime, Blumenfeld will continue to stink to high heaven.

Opponents of the Five Franklin Place condo project in TriBeCa say they want the foul-smelling Blumenfeld and his chicken-shit development project out of their neighborhood. “If we wanted to live in New Jersey, we’d move there,” one neighbor said, holding his nose.

On the bright side, the Yaniv Blumenfeld stench had the unanticipated effect of bringing hundreds of jobs to White Plains as tanneries and glue factories relocated to the neighborhood around Blumenfeld’s personal residence.

Yaniv Blumenfeld is Shithead of the Year!

Yaniv Blumenfeld is Shithead of the Year!

“Forage By Day. Hide At Night.”

Disgraced real estate investor Yaniv Blumenfeld hiding from creditors in an area strip club.

WHITE PLAINS, NY — Troubled real estate firm Glacier Global Partners LLP, coming to grips with its impending doom, announced a new mission statement, “Forage by day. Hide at night.”

The new mission statement edged out popular runner up, “To the bitter end.”

The new mission statement should guide the actions of Glacier Global Partners, spell out its overall goal, provide a sense of direction, and guide decision-making as the crippled investment firm enters its death spiral.

“The future is in our hands,” said disgraced Managing Director Yaniv Blumenfeld. “Only we can decide whether Glacier Global will crash and burn in a hideous public scandal or fade quietly into oblivion. Or maybe both.”

U.S. Generals Devise New War Plan

Yuck Faaaanniiiiiiiiiiivvvvv!

Yuck Faniv

Yuck Faniv

Despondent Glacier Global Partners Investor Leaps To A Welcome Death

NEW YORK — Distraught over an ill-advised investment in Glacier Global Partners, a man died a welcome death after throwing himself from the 22nd floor of the Playgirl Building on Second Avenue and 43rd Street. The victim, whose identity is being withheld until notification of next of kin, chose to end his own life rather than continue to endure the living hell of his entanglement with the discredited real estate investment firm which has an office in the building.

“The man’s decision to seek the peace of eternal sleep seems completely reasonable under the circumstances,” said New York City Detective and forensic accountant Heywood Jablome, who made a cursory review of Glacier Global’s financial statements. “I’m calling it an assisted suicide, with the assistance coming from Glacier Global.”

Although the pancaked man’s investment in the skanky partnership was relatively small, Jablome observed that phantom taxable income arising from foreclosure- and bankruptcy-related debt forgiveness would have put him in hock to the IRS for the rest of his life. Particularly disastrous is Glacier Global’s effort to construct the fatwa-stigmatized Five Franklin Place condo project in TriBeCa. With a black cloud of the the fatwa hanging over Five Franklin, as well as protracted litigation and perhaps even further personal interaction with Glacier Global co-founder Yaniv Blumenfeld in his future, the victim’s desire to die seems oddly rational.

“He’s in a better place now,” Jablome said.

Former Vice President Al Gore received a shock when the body, after bouncing off a school bus on Second Avenue, splatted onto the hood of the car he was driving. Gore shared a Nobel Prize for raising public awareness of deteriorating global glaciers, rising seas and the threat posed to man’s continued existence by global warming. But sadly the dead man never got the memo. Ironically, it was a deteriorating Glacier Global that put the despondent victim financially under water and ended his existence.

“I hope that’s going to buff out,” Gore commented, eyeing the prominent smear on the hood of his new, gas-guzzling BMW 7 Series sedan.

A horrified tourist captured this photo of a briefcase-toting man leaping to his death from the 22nd floor of the Playgirl Building on Second Avenue. Police identified the man as a distraught investor in the rapidly unwinding Glacier Global Partners scam.

Blurgh! Y-Bum Pilot Gets NBC Green Light

"This project has Tina Fey's fingerprints all over it," our (unconfirmed) source said. Mrs. Richmond could not be reached for comment.

NBC has given the go-ahead for production of a comedy television show pilot episode with the working title of Y-Bum, entertainment industry sources revealed.

“Hogan’s Heroes meets Gorillas in the Mist meets Hannibal Lechter,” is how one insider describes the concept. “Oh, and a little bit of Wall Street, the movie.”

The show is said to “layer a goofy, quirky veneer over an edgy, dark comic foundation”. The fictional protagonist, Yaniv Blumenfeld or Y-bum, is a bumbling egocentric who runs a congenitally troubled Manhattan-based investment firm, Glacier Global Partners. The socially and financially inept Y-Bum gets money for his doomed investments from demented elderly family members and dull corrupt bankers. Unpaid interns and part-time students dominate the Glacier staff, which works out of The Playgirl Building, often interacting with drop-ins from Playgirl Magazine when not playing 1970s-vintage video games.

Y-Bum is a clinical narcissistic sociopath, which drives the dark comic thread. Psychiatrists and primate researchers are among consultants NBC has lined up for the show.

Saturday Night Live’s Bobby Moynihan leads the list of actors with a shot at the name part. But improving CGI economics and the appropriately creepy affect of computer-generated human characters have producers looking at making Y-Bum the first fully-CGI lead character in a network TV sitcom. That and compassion for an actor who quite possibly could wind up being typecast as a very sick Wall Street fuck for the rest of his career.

NBC is trying to keep a lid on the project, fearing the early buzz could spawn a host of competing “bailout snarfing malignant Wall Street fudgedrawers idiot psycho put a face on the global meltdown” knock-off comedy shows.

“You don’t need comedy writers for this kind of show,” we were told. “You can cut and paste whole scripts from 10-K financial reports, court records and transcripts of Manhattan psychiatrists’ office surveillance tapes.”

Early focus group response has been off the charts, according to a reliable source. “Women like seeing a bad boss get his comeuppance a la 9-to-5. But he’s a monster who could erupt suddenly and literally eat your face off in two bites, which pulls in the young male audience. Older viewers, who’ve had their mutual funds and 401-Ks robbed and who resent paying for the bailout, want to get their yucks too, figuring it’s their only compensation.”

We were told: “You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll kiss $787 billion goodbye.”

Earnings Spike for Glacier Global Partners LLP

WHITE PLAINS, NEW YORK — Glacier Global Partners LLP will report positive quarterly earnings for the first time since its inception, co-founder Yaniv Blumenfeld announced.

Earnings from continuing operations continues to trend downward, although Glacier Global reported several new sources of continuing revenue: collections from unauthorized pay toilet meters installed in common area rest rooms in the Manhattan building where Glacier Global leases 600 square feet, sales of toilet paper requisitioned from said rest rooms, sales of second-hand mops and buckets cadged from the building’s janitor closets, protection revenue from other tenants in the building, rental of the office as a homeless shelter during off hours, miscellaneous blackmail receipts and revenue from the promising fake electronic tax return filing segment.

Nonrecurring revenue included payments by former unpaid interns to settle non-compete lawsuits and settlements arising from frivolous personal injury claims against the firm’s previous landlord at 1166 Avenue of the Americas.

A single extraordinary revenue item brought Glacier Global’s quarterly bottom line solidly into the black. Glacier Global recognized a portion of a $20 million receivable attributed to an advance fee arrangement with a member of the Nigerian Royal Family. The firm has satisfied its obligations under the agreement with Nigerian Crown Prince Naboo Naboo and Blumenfeld said he expects the receivable to be liquidated in the third quarter. “Nigeria has a BB- (stable outlook) rating from both S&P and Fitch, so this is pretty much a no-brainer,” according to Blumenfeld. Glacier Global used a forward currency swap to hedge against currency fluctuations on the euro-denominated unsecured promissory note. There was no comment from Prince Naboo Naboo, who went radio silent at approximately the moment Glacier Global’s wire transfer went through, about three weeks ago.

Soon to be OBE. (Photo Credit: Lindsay Adams for Fatwapalooza)

Blumenfeld said the outlook for coming quarter is even better. The firm expects to recognize a gain in connection with the anticipated expungment of the lingering Five Franklin Place Fatwa, issued by a Shia Mufti in 2007 against the firm’s proposed TriBeCa condo development. The Five Franklin Place Fatwa is an absolute Islamic death sentence or Haraam deduced from Qur’anic verses and ahadith and imposed upon anyone connected with the property, including owners, tradesmen, financiers and occupants. Until now, the fatwa’s stigma led potential lenders and condo buyers to shun Five Franklin Place. Now Glacier Global has engaged a Talmudic neo-Tanna to expunge the fatwa and drape a veil of spiritual protection around the property through esoteric mysticism. The resulting immediate cessation of mysterious acts of sabotage that have plagued the Five Franklin Place development, along with the stigma’s erasure, will substantially boost the property’s value according to a draft appraisal.

A capital investment involving magic beans is also expected to begin cash flowing almost immediately, Blumenfeld said.