Yaniv Blumenfeld is Shithead of the Year!
Category: White Plains
NEW YORK — Distraught over an ill-advised investment in Glacier Global Partners, a man died a welcome death after throwing himself from the 22nd floor of the Playgirl Building on Second Avenue and 43rd Street. The victim, whose identity is being withheld until notification of next of kin, chose to end his own life rather than continue to endure the living hell of his entanglement with the discredited real estate investment firm which has an office in the building.
“The man’s decision to seek the peace of eternal sleep seems completely reasonable under the circumstances,” said New York City Detective and forensic accountant Heywood Jablome, who made a cursory review of Glacier Global’s financial statements. “I’m calling it an assisted suicide, with the assistance coming from Glacier Global.”
Although the pancaked man’s investment in the skanky partnership was relatively small, Jablome observed that phantom taxable income arising from foreclosure- and bankruptcy-related debt forgiveness would have put him in hock to the IRS for the rest of his life. Particularly disastrous is Glacier Global’s effort to construct the fatwa-stigmatized Five Franklin Place condo project in TriBeCa. With a black cloud of the the fatwa hanging over Five Franklin, as well as protracted litigation and perhaps even further personal interaction with Glacier Global co-founder Yaniv Blumenfeld in his future, the victim’s desire to die seems oddly rational.
“He’s in a better place now,” Jablome said.
Former Vice President Al Gore received a shock when the body, after bouncing off a school bus on Second Avenue, splatted onto the hood of the car he was driving. Gore shared a Nobel Prize for raising public awareness of deteriorating global glaciers, rising seas and the threat posed to man’s continued existence by global warming. But sadly the dead man never got the memo. Ironically, it was a deteriorating Glacier Global that put the despondent victim financially under water and ended his existence.
“I hope that’s going to buff out,” Gore commented, eyeing the prominent smear on the hood of his new, gas-guzzling BMW 7 Series sedan.
A horrified tourist captured this photo of a briefcase-toting man leaping to his death from the 22nd floor of the Playgirl Building on Second Avenue. Police identified the man as a distraught investor in the rapidly unwinding Glacier Global Partners scam.
Glacier Global Partners' former unpaid interns say they are delighted at being paid real money for fewer than 18 hours of daily labor at their new workplace: McDonalds on Second and 39th
Glacier Global Partners LLP co-founder Yaniv Blumenfeld was in for a surprise when showed up for work on Tuesday, April 19 at 11:30 am. The deteriorating real estate investment firm’s Manhattan satellite office on 801 Second Avenue was completely abandoned.
Finding a Post-It note on the office door, Blumenfeld rode the elevator back up to the first floor and walked south on Second Avenue. Four blocks away he found his entire crew of office workers at a McDonalds restaurant. That morning Blumenfeld’s workers, most of whom are unpaid interns, had all taken new wage-paying McJobs.
McDonald’s restaurants, including the Manhattan location on 701 2nd Avenue (at 39th Street) held a national hiring day April 19 with the goal of filling 50,000 jobs nationwide.
When McDonald’s manager Andy Feldhuhn unwittingly offered Blumenfeld the role of promotional clown Ronald McDonald, Blumenfeld reportedly made such an angry scene that Feldhuhn almost had to call the police.
In an interview this week, Blumenfeld expressed bewilderment. “I understand that, for the unpaid interns, a paying job has appeal. But I can’t believe they’d give up the prestige of working for a third-tier investment firm in a fancy Second Avenue office.”
Especially stunning, Blumenfeld said, was the loss of his paid part-time director of development, Bob Underballs. A student at Manhattan’s Fashion Institute of Technology, Underballs had extensive experience installing art installations at SoHo art galleries. Blumenfeld is now accusing Underballs of taking the development job at Glacier Global in bad faith just weeks ago. “I think he just wanted to work in the Playgirl Building,” Blumenfeld sputtered.
Workers say they were forbidden to make eye contact with Yaniv Blumenfeld
White Plains, New York-based Glacier Global intends to pursue legal action against all of the former employees based on a draconian non-compete agreement they signed. “They explicitly agreed not to share any of our proprietary information with any fast food restaurants or clogged plumbing snakers,” said a spokesman for Yaniv Blumenfeld, Yaniv Blumenfeld. “Technically they were not slaves, so they were in no way covered by the Emancipation Proclamation of 1863.” Blumenfeld insisted he was not to blame for failing to padlock the office door the previous evening, nor for any of the other catastrophes with which he has been associated.
A former Glacier Global Partners intern, now working the night shift at McDonalds’s, agreed to be interviewed provided she was not named. “At least McDonald’s won’t be a stain on my resume,” she said. Regarding Blumenfeld, “I’ll be happy if I never see that little fudgedrawers again.”
Five Franklin Place
Glacier Global Partners LLP is seeking a new investor for its fatwa-encumbered Five Franklin Place condo development at 369-371 Broadway in TriBeCa. Anonymous sources say the deteriorating White Plains, New York-based real estate firm (motto: ‘Who wants to know?’) is back to square one after its unnamed foreign investor mysteriously went radio silent on May 2nd.
While the firm’s mercurial co-founder Yaniv Blumenfeld refused comment, an anonymous insider said, “We’re assuming he got cold feet and didn’t want to tell us directly because he thought Yaniv would be mad. The wolf is really at the door here. Then again, maybe it was that spreadsheet Yaniv fucked up. Twice.”
In an unrelated story…
Bin Laden tried to bribe U.S. Navy SEALs with shares in some bullshit real estate investment
ABOARD THE USS CARL VINSON — U.S. Navy SEALs spoke off-the-record about the scene in Abbottabad, Pakistan, during the early morning May 2nd raid on Osama bin Laden’s compound.
“First, he cried like a little girl. Then he tried to bribe us. He said, ‘I have friends on Wall Street. I can make you rich.’ He offered us shares in some stupid investment company, Iceberg Partners or some shit like that. Then he showed us an offering book with a picture of some shitty building. It’s got a frikkin’ Shia death sentence on it–Five Franklin Place in TriBeCa? We evacuated that block months ago. That was all it took. I gave him a triple-tap from my HK. Hollow points. Hasta la vista, baby. What kind of idiots did he think we were? My commander shouted, ‘Now let’s go get those Wall Street assholes!'”
Regarding initial reports that the American raiders confronted an armed Osama bin Laden, the SEAL clarified, “Armed with bullshit.”
U.S. intelligence analysts at the National Counterterrorism Center were initially optimistic about what they would learn from the trove of documents and computer files collected from bin Laden’s compound. “Al Queda encrypted their messages using math errors, misspellings and circular calculations embedded in ordinary-looking Microsoft Excel financial spreadsheets. We’re not sure we’ll ever break this diabolical code,” said a highly placed source speaking on background.
Wearing his shiny gray Donald Trump clip-on tie, Yaniv Blumenfeld (center), the self-styled 'New Donald Trump', presides over his own version of the 'Miss America Pageant' at an area strip club
A bit player in New York’s real estate scene is seeking to pick up the mantle of the fallen Donald Trump and continue the challenge to President Barack Obama.
Yaniv Blumenfeld of Glacier Global Partners LLP (motto: “Disloyalty to the U.S. is not a crime in Israel”) is seeking to become the new lightning rod for disheartened birthers and other fringe elements in the U.S. electorate.
With the public humiliation of Donald Trump having been completed, and sensing a vacuum in news media’s ‘bloated, delusional real estate developer’ space, Yaniv Blumenfeld believes his moment has come.
Blumenfeld is an odd candidate to fill The Donald’s shoes. The differences are striking. While Trump stands 6’2″ tall, the gnome-like Blumenfeld is at least a half-foot shorter, although his low center of gravity is ideal for no-rules street fighting. While Trump’s acumen has been questioned, there is little to suggest that Blumenfeld has any whatsoever. Trump has mansions in the world’s most exclusive locations; Blumenfeld lives in a modest frame house situated so close to the Hutchison River Parkway in White Plains, New York that detached hubcaps from passing cars wobble into his front yard. Trump has the Miss America Pageant; the closest Blumenfeld comes is being on a first-name basis with strippers at several area clubs. And The Donald still has some class left.
…developing…
White Plains real estate investor Yaniv Blumenfeld made a nice little fire profit on property he owns.
Fire damaged a house at 18 Roland Drive in White Plains, New York in 2007. Located in a modest neighborhood, 18 Roland Drive is less than 250 feet from the Hutchinson River Parkway and its oppressive and endless traffic rumble. Westfair Restorations of Thornwood, New York was called in to repair the damage.
"Sorry about the fire, Yaniv"
"Quiet! It's tomorrow night!"
The homeowner, one Yaniv Blumenfeld, signed a contract with Westfair.
Westfield restored Blumenfeld’s fire-damaged property. Yaniv Blumenfeld accepted the completed work and signed a Certificate of Satisfactory Completion. On April 23, 2007, Yaniv Blumenfeld certified that, “I have inspected all work performed by Westfair Restoration Services relative to the above claim. I found this work to be complete and to my satisfaction.”
Blumenfeld never paid for the restoration work, even though he filed a casualty insurance claim and received a check for $3,423 from MetLife Insurance to pay for the repairs. (Note to self: tip the IRS.)
Yaniv Blumenfeld pocketed the $3,423 casualty insurance check and simultaneously stiffed Westfield Restorations.
Copies of the Certificate of Satisfactory Completion, summons and court judgement against Blumenfeld can be downloaded and examined here.
Westfield sued for nonpayment and got a court judgement against Yaniv Blumenfeld in August 2009 for full payment, interest and court costs. But Blumenfeld appealed. In court, neither Blumenfeld nor his lawyers presented any evidence of unsatisfactory work by Westfield. Nor did they present any other reasonable defense for Blumenfeld’s default.
What was Yaniv Blumenfeld thinking?
'The fire restoration work was completed to my satisfaction ... but that doesn't mean I'm going to pay for it!'
Instead, Blumenfeld’s lawyers spun a web of deception and invoked arcane technicalities. As a result, the stocky, diminuntive Blumenfeld, who is known for being personally belligerent, has not paid a dime to his contractor for the completed and accepted restoration work and he never will.
Blumenfeld profited $3,423 from a fire on his property. Not only did he get free restoration work, he kept the insurance check. Nice work if you can get.
After Westfair completed the restoration, Blumenfeld put the house up for sale. Did the restoration cure any deficiencies or obsolescence that improved the property’s market value and marketability? In other words, if you need a new kitchen do you burn the old one?
Suspicions linger. When a property owner makes a profit from the “misfortune” of his own building fire, one has to wonder. Add the deadbeat factor and it’s a shady situation all around.
Blumenfeld, who has worked for a string of failed financial firms (Laventhol, Lehman, Bear Stearns), is now involved in an obscure real estate partnership called Glacier Global Partners LLP. Should anyone be surprised if a troubled property burns down under dubious circumstances to the financial benefit of Glacier Global Partners and Yaniv Blumenfeld?
Readers: Please email any details you may have regarding Wagner Davis and Gold PC vs. Ilanit (Mrs. Yaniv) Blumenfeld, New York County Civil Court Index CV-038177-03/NY.
An ass kabob embedded in an acrylic egg commemorates Glacier Global Partners LLP's latest deal.
WHITE PLAINS, NY — Yabai Engineering, Inc. is teaming with investment partnership Glacier Global Partners LLP to champion what the Secaucus, New Jersey-based high-tech firm hopes will be the hottest new building system technology: flatulence abatement systems.
But the high-tech investment deal is getting less buzz than a tchotchke that is usually a minor by-product of a financial deal: the ‘deal toy’ or ‘tombstone.’
In the finance and investment banking world, a ‘deal toy’ or ‘tombstone’ is typically a customized piece of acrylic swag intended to mark and commemorate the closing of a business deal. The geegaw’s recipients are the clients of the advisors and financiers, so the knickknack also acts as a marketing tool for the presenter long after the transaction has passed.
What makes Glacier Global Partners’ egg-shaped acrylic tombstone unusual is that the bauble contains a real shit turd embedded inside. That’s right, a genuine brown missile from right out of someone’s ass.
“It’s an actual fucking toilet log,” confirmed Glacier Global co-founder Yaniv Blumenfeld. “It’s our way of dramatizing that we have our shit together,” the diminutive Blumenfeld said, sweating nervously over a recent or anticipated blunder. “It also ties in to our client’s flatulence abatement technology. Flatulence is fundamentally aerisolized doodie,” Blumenfeld explained, mispronouncing ‘aerisolized’. Blumenfeld declined to reveal the name of the person who busted the dook, citing privacy concerns.
Investment tombstones are most commonly made of versatile and economical acrylic. Crystal, resin, faux stone, wood, metal and glass are also used. The use of brown dookie to memorialize an investment deal appears to be a striking innovation.
Until now, tombstones were considered status symbols. Having many deal toys advertised that a banker had gently extruded many deals. Investment observers are waiting to see if the butt sausage tombstone will catch on. Can a fecal biscuit encased in acrylic be a prized symbol of achievement? On Wall Street, perhaps, anything is possible. “It’s almost telling the truth” about a deal, one skeptical banker noted.
…developing…
helgabluth 