Yaniv Blumenfeld (inset) and the doomed kitten.
…and he plans to do it in front of a group of Kindergarteners…laughing…
Category: White Plains
Whether it’s the financial or emotional meltdown at deteriorating Turd Mining firm Glacier Global Partners LLP that you wish to commemorate, this t-shirt has you covered either way!
Available in light grey, grey, light blue, blue, creme, light yellow, orange, light pink, purple and heather grey--all the colors Yaniv's face turns when he's having a blameileptic seizure! Or get one in white, as in WHITEwash WHITE trash WHITE-collar crime in WHITE Plains.
Lisa Weber’s timely design is available in your choice of nine eye-catching colors for $25.54.
The latest update makes Grand Theft Wall Street even more realistic.
In this update of Grand Theft Wall Street, you’ll engage in a single-player campaign to spread as much human misery and destroy as much value as possible, all while trying to shift the blame to the most unlikely scapegoats. In the series cheered (and criticized) for glorifying incompetent financial risk management, you’ll make horrendous blunders, lose massive sums of other peoples’ money, bitch slap your female interns, associate with other Wall Street lowlifes and do many, many other bad deeds. GTWS gives us characters with a level of superficiality so realistic, you’ll think you’re right on the trading floor of a Wall Street casino.
You play as Yaniv Blumenfeld, a mercurial, belligerent, stateless, undocumented Middle Eastern third-tier banker with a dark past. Socially and financially inept, you nevertheless recruit a team of unpaid interns who soon discover you may have fibbed a bit in your tales of success. You parlay your talents and a $1.0 million stake from demented elderly relatives into a $35 million pyramid of debt you’ve named Glacier Global Partners. Along the way you pick up some very bad habits and associates. The longer we stay with Yaniv, the more we see that there is a broken human being inside, one who would give anything to escape the person he once was.
Bugfixes in this update of the Grand Theft Wall Street action-adventure video game:
- fixed an intermittent bug where a virtual subordinate did a good job but the Yaniv Blumenfeld character malfunctioned and failed to feel threatened and make it his mission to destroy the character, thereby undermining the game’s realism
- fixed a bug which allowed disabling of the Yaniv character’s ‘narcissistic sociopath’ and ‘prima donna’ behaviors, resulting in unrealistic gameplay scenarios
- fixed a bug where the Yaniv character tipped generously at a strip club
- fixed a bug where the Yaniv character fucked up a financial projection spreadsheet causing a deal blew to up in his face (so far, so good; Where’s the bug?). BUT then not only did the Yaniv character intermittently fail to detonate a hissy fit, he failed to go into scapegoat mode (i.e., trying to blame a broker, colleague, subordinate or Hamas for his own blunder); shitstorm mode also failed to engage
- fixed an intermittent bug where the blundering Yaniv character failed to enter ‘enhanced’ scapegoat mode (i.e., the Yaniv character spreading malicious false rumors about his intended scapegoats, sniping at the scapegoats in meetings, displaying the scapegoats’ severed heads on pikes, using their blood for his cave paintings, and leaving their bodies unburied to be devoured by dogs, etc. ‘Acts of God’ added to the list of targets the Yaniv character can blame for catastrophes resulting from his own negligence or stupidity.
- fixed a graphic error which caused the stocky, diminutive Blumenfeld to appear taller than Joe Pesci and R2-D2
- fixed an intermittent bug where the Yaniv character uncharacteristically put in a full day’s work while allowing a subordinate to leave early for a gynecological appointment
- fixed a bug that generated a scenario in which the Yaniv character competently and courageously landed a stricken U.S. Airways jet airliner in the Hudson River and acted selflessly to save the lives of all the passengers (yeah, in what alternate universe?)
- fixed an intermittent bug where a Glacier Global Partners LLP real estate deal inexplicably made economic sense, investors were pleased and nobody got ripped off
- fixed a bug where the Yaniv character paid a sincere compliment to a female colleague instead of spreading vile rumors about her to his cronies
- fixed a bug where a toady didn’t let the Yaniv character win at Halo during a Glacier Global partner meeting
- fixed a bug where the Yaniv character went off his anti-psychotic medication and nothing unusual happened
- fixed a bug where the Yaniv character started paying his bills in full on time for no particular reason
- fixed an intermittent bug where the Yaniv character’s face failed to turn red and become grotesquely distorted during a clusterfuck sequence
- fixed the bug where instead of pretending that you never told him important information that you for certain had told him and being angry at you, the Yaniv character pretends you told him good news that you never did and is pleased with you
- fixed the bug where instead of it being all about the Yaniv character all the time, it was a little bit about someone or something else occasionally
- fixed a bug in the graphic algorithm which, during brown-nosing mode, caused the Yaniv character’s head to appear less than fully embedded
- corrected a bug in the rate of speed that disconsolate investors fall after leaping to their welcome deaths from the Playgirl Building. Corrected bounce height and trajectory of investors hitting the pavement and motor vehicles on Second Avenue. Corrected audio to replace fart sound with splat.
- for added pomposity added reverb effect to “I have spoken!”, the phrase the Yaniv character tacks on the end of his every statement.
- fixed a timing bug in which the Yaniv character would say, “Who did that?” before farting himself
Yaniv Blumenfeld partying in 'Grand Theft' style.
Do the math!
Of course you know Yaniv Blumenfeld ...
Keep them coming! -hp
Despised symbol of galactic malice, the newly-christened Glacier Global Partners Death Star
Special to helgabluth
By S-Bek
The Galactic Empire’s newest superweapon will be named the Glacier Global Partners Death Star. In an unusual cross-marketing deal, the most destructive force in the Universe will team up with a tiny, obscure White Plains, NY-based financial firm with only limited destructive potential.
The Death Star is a moon-sized space station and superweapon capable of destroying a planet with a single destructive beam. A flawed predecessor, the Enron Death Star, was destroyed by the Rebel Alliance in 2001 during a dispute over financial accounting abuses.
K-Pax, a spokesman for the loathed interplanetary dictatorship, said the Empire sees the move as a way to enhance its malicious image. “We wanted a malignant brand like Glacier Global that would reinforce the fear and loathing people associate with the Galactic Empire.” Despite Glacier Global’s egregious reputation, the Empire’s new link to a hapless local firm that is by all accounts barely scraping by could, however, erode its perceived invincibility, industry sources said.
Technology upgrade: Glacier Global's ColecoVision home game console will be replaced with a Galactic Empire-supplied Nintendo Wii in a major enterprise information system overhaul.
Glacier Global (slogan: “Quietly losing shareholder value”) was identified by the Empire’s longtime advertising agency, B-Ad, based on a single focus group quirkily selected from a narrow segment of the Earth’s human population. The focus group consisted of construction tradesmen, consumer credit collection agents, forensic house cleaners and Girl Scouts all from the White Plains area of New York. Group members supplied horrific anecdotes that quickly convinced Supreme Galactic Emperor and convicted war criminal E-Palp to shortcut the selection process. The deal was cemented when Glacier Global’s co-founder, Y-Bum, reportedly bonded with E-Palp’s equally diminutive astromech droid, E0-BO. Y-Bum quickly agreed to terms that included Glacier Global’s promise to betray the rest of the human race when the time comes in return for immediate delivery of a new Nintendo Wii electronic gaming console.
Young Yaniv Blumenfeld: 'This screw-up is the fault of that little shiksa member of the
Future Mortgage Originators Club sitting there in the back of the room!!'
Thank you for the submission! I hope there will be many more. –hb
The Glacier Global Partners web site has been “Coming Soon” for three years going on now. This may give creditors something idea to expect when the troubled investment company tells that the invoice will be paid “soon”.
Glacier Global website has been "Coming Soon" for three years going on
If writing a simple web page is so difficult, does that mean you’re a nitwit? Well, yes, I’m afraid it does! Here’s what you’re saying:
- We are not finished and have nothing of value on this page.
- We have a great vision that one day this page will actually be finished and complete. Please share our delusion.
- We haven’t really come to terms with the web as an extremely fluid and dynamic information technology.
- Interfacing to new technologies is a really big effort for us.
- We have a persistent fantasy about being able to eloquently express exactly who we are with this web page. Until that comes to fruition, please view our lack of expressive power as merely a temporary phenomenon.
You’re fortunate to have helgabluth to pick up the slack for you.
More here.
18 Roland Drive, White Plains, New York, is up for sale now that the fire damage has been repaired.
18 Roland Drive, White Plains: Some house shoppers might be bothered by
the traffic noise from the Hutch more than the cat pee odor
helgabluth 