You Might Work For Yaniv Blumenfeld If…

You might work for this guy if ...

You’d be the richest person in America if you had a dollar for every fantasy you’ve had that involved slapping your boss so hard he flew out of his chair.

You watch everything your boss does so you can do the exact opposite.

There is one or more websites, blogs or cottage industries based primarily on the asinine things your boss has said or done.

Employee turnover at your workplace is high, like 100%. People would rather make minimum wage dressed like sandwiches/crustacean/the statue of liberty and dance in the street in front of the local sandwich/seafood/tax preparation shop –- in Arizona, in July -– than work for your boss.

Co-workers pack up their desk and leave abruptly for good with no advance notice.

Your boss either lies or is confused about the truth. For example, first he said your position was open because company is expanding. Later you learn you’re replacing someone who left. He waffles on employee turnover rates, the length of time the average employee stays with the company, and something as simple as office hours.

Your boss starts a sentence with “Family is important, but…”

Your boss asks disguised illegal questions.

Your job was open for a long time, or been filled and emptied in a short period of time.

Your boss is a little man in more ways than one.

Your boss is rude.

Your boss is frequently late.

Your boss is unprepared.

Your boss is incompetent.

“Forage By Day. Hide At Night.”

Disgraced real estate investor Yaniv Blumenfeld hiding from creditors in an area strip club.

WHITE PLAINS, NY — Troubled real estate firm Glacier Global Partners LLP, coming to grips with its impending doom, announced a new mission statement, “Forage by day. Hide at night.”

The new mission statement edged out popular runner up, “To the bitter end.”

The new mission statement should guide the actions of Glacier Global Partners, spell out its overall goal, provide a sense of direction, and guide decision-making as the crippled investment firm enters its death spiral.

“The future is in our hands,” said disgraced Managing Director Yaniv Blumenfeld. “Only we can decide whether Glacier Global will crash and burn in a hideous public scandal or fade quietly into oblivion. Or maybe both.”

Yuck Faniv

Are You Smarter Than A Lehman Brothers Loan Underwriter?

Take a Haircut? 50 West Third Street, Mount Carmel, PA. Lehman Brothers' Yaniv Blumenfeld made a $500,000 loan on this property, which then sold for less than one-third that figure four years later.

To overvalue something is a form of lying. –Baltasar Gracián (1601-1658)

Ever wonder how somebody made all those bad loans that put Lehman Brothers in bankruptcy in 2008 and cratered the global financial system? Here’s your chance to see how a banker puts lipstick on a pig.

In 2004, Lehman Brothers commercial loan underwriter Yaniv Blumenfeld OKd a $500,000 loan secured by a 36 percent vacant office building at 50 West Third Street, Mount Carmel, Pennsylvania.

Mount Carmel, you ask? Why, it’s only 20 miles northwest of Pottsville, Pennsylvania. Got your bearings now?

If you live in Mount Carmel, you vacation in Scranton. And like it.

The location demographics sucked. The 2004 Census Bureau estimated population of Mount Carmel Borough was 6,050 persons, a 20 percent population decline since 1990.

The building sucked. The three-story frame structure totally had no elevator, a major flaw in a town where the only remaining residents are those too feeble to leave. There was visible mold and water damage, deteriorating floors and a sagging roof beam. Asbestos was suspected, but the recommended testing was never performed even though the appraised value was predicated on the building being asbestos-free.

Inevitably the loan went into default. Less than four years later, Gramercy Capital Corp. bought the same property for $150,000, as reported in its publicly filed Form 10-K. That’s only 27 percent of Yaniv Blumenfeld’s bloated $550,000 underwriting valuation!

How many mistakes can you find in Blumenfeld’s loan underwriting package? Download it and see. Check out the inflated appraisal and the shocking inspection photos.

Here are a few clues: Did it help that the loan was made to Glenn Blumenfeld at American Financial Realty Trust? Was the conflict-of-interest ever properly disclosed?

Can you spot the math errors in the appraisal? (Hint: page 9, but you’ll have to find the rest on your own!)

We shouldn’t be too surprised that Yaniv Blumenfeld thinks crummy properties in bad locations should be leveraged to the hilt. After, didn’t Lehman’s losers also try to tell us that people with no money and bad credit could buy houses?

What crap investments is Yaniv Blumenfeld putting other peoples’ money now? Would anyone like to buy a glacier? Or a fatwa-stigmatized condo? Yaniv Blumenfeld has one to sell you.

Would you lease this vacant office space? Apparently no one else did either. Yaniv Blumenfeld signed off on the loan despite major property deficiencies. These photos are from a pre-closing inspection report which you can download and read.

Blast from the Past: Yaniv Blumenfeld Mugshot

Yaniv Blumenfeld's Mugshot

Despondent Glacier Global Partners Investor Leaps To A Welcome Death

NEW YORK — Distraught over an ill-advised investment in Glacier Global Partners, a man died a welcome death after throwing himself from the 22nd floor of the Playgirl Building on Second Avenue and 43rd Street. The victim, whose identity is being withheld until notification of next of kin, chose to end his own life rather than continue to endure the living hell of his entanglement with the discredited real estate investment firm which has an office in the building.

“The man’s decision to seek the peace of eternal sleep seems completely reasonable under the circumstances,” said New York City Detective and forensic accountant Heywood Jablome, who made a cursory review of Glacier Global’s financial statements. “I’m calling it an assisted suicide, with the assistance coming from Glacier Global.”

Although the pancaked man’s investment in the skanky partnership was relatively small, Jablome observed that phantom taxable income arising from foreclosure- and bankruptcy-related debt forgiveness would have put him in hock to the IRS for the rest of his life. Particularly disastrous is Glacier Global’s effort to construct the fatwa-stigmatized Five Franklin Place condo project in TriBeCa. With a black cloud of the the fatwa hanging over Five Franklin, as well as protracted litigation and perhaps even further personal interaction with Glacier Global co-founder Yaniv Blumenfeld in his future, the victim’s desire to die seems oddly rational.

“He’s in a better place now,” Jablome said.

Former Vice President Al Gore received a shock when the body, after bouncing off a school bus on Second Avenue, splatted onto the hood of the car he was driving. Gore shared a Nobel Prize for raising public awareness of deteriorating global glaciers, rising seas and the threat posed to man’s continued existence by global warming. But sadly the dead man never got the memo. Ironically, it was a deteriorating Glacier Global that put the despondent victim financially under water and ended his existence.

“I hope that’s going to buff out,” Gore commented, eyeing the prominent smear on the hood of his new, gas-guzzling BMW 7 Series sedan.

A horrified tourist captured this photo of a briefcase-toting man leaping to his death from the 22nd floor of the Playgirl Building on Second Avenue. Police identified the man as a distraught investor in the rapidly unwinding Glacier Global Partners scam.

Little Fudgedrawers Yaniv Blumenfeld Is Comeuppance Foundation’s 2012 Poster Boy

Click photo for a special message from Yaniv Blumenfeld

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — Disgraced real estate investor Yaniv Blumenfeld has been named the Comeuppance Foundation’s 2012 Poster Boy, the philanthropic organization announced.

Created in 1979 through the merger of the “Make A Wish Foundation-Special Victims Unit” and Darwin, Australia-based “Save the Saltwater Crocodiles”, the Comeuppance Foundation is one of the world’s most respected charities.

“What comes around, goes around,” as the saying goes. But while a person’s good or bad actions normally have irregularly occurring consequences for that person, the Comeuppance Foundation is dedicated to “reducing inefficiency, uncertainty and delay in the righteous and mighty administration of Bad Karma”.

Only nine percent of every tax-deductible dollar donated is spend on administration and marketing, making the Comeuppance Foundation one of the nation’s most efficient charities. The remaining 91 percent goes to direct program services: opening a can of whup-ass and introducing a world of pain to thousands of Bad Karma-laden assholes, buttheads and motherfuckers worldwide.

The Comeuppance Foundation’s Annual Poster Boy award creates public awareness that no matter how bad a person is, their lives can still serve a valuable purpose. They can serve as a horrible example for others.

“We are committed to the Golden Rule–do unto others as we would have done unto ourselves,” said foundation Executive Director Victor “Crown Vic” Underballs. “If we were motherfucking dirtbag assholes, how would we ourselves wish to be treated?”

“We would want to be punished,” Underballs said. “Severely punished.”

Some Comeuppance Foundation charitable activities are well known, almost a staple of popular culture.

To visit justice on rude drivers who maliciously honk their horns and flash their high beams, the Comeuppance Foundation's fleet of White Ford Crown Victorias are armed with 7,000-lumen A380 aircraft landing lights and horns meeting Amtrak train specifications.

The iconic ‘White Crown Vic’ program targets rude and obnoxious drivers, such as the unreasoning pinheads who honk their car horns way too much or who blind other drivers with aggressive and malicious use of their high beam headlights. Based on surveillance camera recordings and tips received from the public, the Foundation’s fleet of White Ford Crown Victoria sedans use special tracking electronics to hunt down the assholes in their vehicles. A large compressed air tank installed in the Crown Vic’s trunk provides power to deafening front- and rear-mounted Amtrak train horns. The terrified asshole usually loses bowel control along with the ability to discern musical pitch and sounds quieter than 70 dB HL after the horns are mercilessly blasted directly in his or her face

Both the front and back of the Crown Vic are augmented with a pair of 7,000-lumen high-intensity headlamps, originally manufactured for use as Airbus A380 jumbo jet plane landing lights. When the Crown Vic flashes its high beams on an asshole, the blinded motherfucker typically wipes out on a guardrail or rolls his car into a ditch.

Office bullies, who viciously snipe at subordinates and engage in non-constructive criticism and scapegoating, are major contributors to Bad Karma in the universe today. The Foundation responds by hiring as consultants highly-placed executives within the bully’s organization, but who are senior to the asshole in the organization’s management hierarchy.

The Comeuppance Foundation is dedicated to reducing inefficiency, uncertainty and delay in the righteous and mighty administration of Bad Karma

The senior executive/consultant attends the shithead’s business meetings to abuse the asshole in front of his subordinates with custom-scripted remarks such as, “Is this some kind of a joke?”, “This is beginning to look like another [insert target’s name here] clusterfuck.”, “That’s the stupidest thing I ever heard!”, and “By the way, I screwed your wife.”

In 1987, the Foundation began marketing bogus investment securities to asshole Wall Street investment bankers. The Foundation’s sham money management company, Fidelity Investments, has sold over $2.1 billion in worthless investments to Wall Street motherfuckers, including $460 million to partners of Goldman Sachs alone. The jerks will never recover any of these funds because they were invested in instruments originated for sale to the public by the very same investment bankers, as well as in Glacier Global Partners, lottery tickets, Nigerian advance fee schemes and other sucker plays as permitted by the typically vague Wall Street language contained in the prospectuses.

A leader in Karmic innovation, the Comeuppance Foundation introduced the now-universal practice of compounding Bad Karma at usurious rates. An asshole’s accumulated Bad Karma can now triple in less than three years through the passage of time alone, even with no additions to principal.

For the most egregious assholes, those pricks even worse than 2012 Poster Boy Yaniv Blumenfeld, the Foundation conducts discreet interventions. The Foundation’s regulatory filings allude to these activities in a footnote referring to contractual relationships with Triple Canopy, Blackstone, Halliburton and local forensic cleaning companies.

“Thank you for all the kindness, support and compassion,” Blumenfeld said. “I am humbled by the love. Thank you.”

Court to Decide if Hockey Mask-Wearing Borrower Was Yaniv Blumenfeld or Some Other Scheisskopf

Was the hockey mask-wearing borrower who was wheeled into a loan closing Yaniv Blumenfeld or an imposter?

WHITE PLAINS, NEW YORK — Yaniv Blumenfeld‘s legal battle to invalidate a personal loan guarantee received a setback in court when the disgraced real estate investor’s alibi for the loan closing date collapsed.

Blumenfeld is asking the court to invalidate his personal guarantee of obligations connected with a defaulted construction loan on the grounds that his signature was falsified, court filings indicate. The personal guarantee was provided as additional security for a construction loan to White Plains, New York-based Glacier Global Partners from Fred’s Bank of Staten Island. Widely regarded as a “little fudgedrawers” within the local real estate industry, Blumenfeld is co-founder of Glacier Global (motto: “A riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma, stuffed up a dog’s bottom”). The loan application said the proceeds would pay for renovations to a rental buiding in TriBeCa. The funds were instead misapplied to a Nigerian advance fee scheme, the court was told, in violation of loan covenants.

The defense claims that Blumenfeld was not the hockey mask-wearing borrower and guarantor who was wheeled into the bank in restraints by an assistant on April 27, 2008, the loan closing date. Therefore whoever signed the loan guarantee was an imposter and Blumenfeld should not be bound by the falsified guarantee. Blumenfeld’s attorney blamed the bank and closing attorney for accepting the assistant’s explanation that Blumenfeld was “having a bad day” and failing to require adequate identification, such as a video store membership card or strip club VIP pass.

The assistant refused to testify and is now in Israel fighting extradition.

Outside the courthouse demonstrators expressed support for Blumenfeld, including this White Plains neighbor.

On the date in question, Blumenfeld says he was 60 miles away from the closing table at Ward Pound Ridge Reservation in Cross River, New York participating in the Leatherman’s Loop Trail Run. The Leatherman’s Loop is a 10 kilometer (6.2 mile) trail race held annually each spring in memory of David Leatherman, an American television host and comedian popular during the late 1950s. In 1961, during a scandal, Leatherman committed suicide by hanging himself with a leather loop. President Kennedy attended his funeral.

Records show that Blumenfeld signed up for the trail run, paid the $30 registration fee and purchased the optional Leatherman’s Loop Trail Run t-shirt for $18. Seeking to buttress his alibi, Blumenfeld wore a 2008 Leatherman’s Loop Trail Run t-shirt during his May 5, 2011 court appearance. Witnesses testified Blumenfeld has also worn and called attention to the t-shirt frequently over the past three years.

Blumenfeld may have registered for the sporting event, police investigators acknowledged, but there is no evidence that he finished or even attempted the trail run. No witnesses recalled seeing the discredited real estate investor at Ward Pound Ridge Reservation in Cross Run on race day. The scanning device used by race administrators did not record Blumenfeld’s crossing the finish line. Nor does Blumenfeld or his registered bib number, 288, appear in any of the race-day photos and videos examined by police. Emergency medical technicians on the scene testified they did not treat Blumenfeld at any point during the run.

The public wearing of a commemorative t-shirt for a run in which you did not actually participate is “highly inappropriate to say the least,” according to prosecutor Ray Miller of the Westchester County District Attorney’s office, where the matter was referred. “It’s the sort of behavior you would expect from a narcissistic sociopath, someone who doesn’t know right from wrong, who doesn’t care who he hurts, and who will remorselessly violate social taboos,” said Miller, a devoted runner who has completed several 26.2-mile marathons.

The date in question: April 27, 2008

Miller added, “The idea that a person of Blumenfeld’s build and physical condition would attempt, let alone finish, a six-mile run stretches the limits of human credulity. Furthermore, if he really was there, you’d think someone would remember seeing a person in a hockey mask, especially if that person won the race, as Blumenfeld claimed he did.”

In a show of support for Blumenfeld, a small group of people attended the court proceeding wearing only hockey masks and Leatherman’s Loop t-shirts. The trial is on hold until Judge Hooshwin Dingleheimer rules whether Blumenfeld has to take off his hockey mask and put on pants while testifying in court.

Regardless of the judge’s decision, Blumenfeld said he would not rest until the imposter who counterfeited his signature is tracked down and brought to justice.

Blurgh! Y-Bum Pilot Gets NBC Green Light

"This project has Tina Fey's fingerprints all over it," our (unconfirmed) source said. Mrs. Richmond could not be reached for comment.

NBC has given the go-ahead for production of a comedy television show pilot episode with the working title of Y-Bum, entertainment industry sources revealed.

“Hogan’s Heroes meets Gorillas in the Mist meets Hannibal Lechter,” is how one insider describes the concept. “Oh, and a little bit of Wall Street, the movie.”

The show is said to “layer a goofy, quirky veneer over an edgy, dark comic foundation”. The fictional protagonist, Yaniv Blumenfeld or Y-bum, is a bumbling egocentric who runs a congenitally troubled Manhattan-based investment firm, Glacier Global Partners. The socially and financially inept Y-Bum gets money for his doomed investments from demented elderly family members and dull corrupt bankers. Unpaid interns and part-time students dominate the Glacier staff, which works out of The Playgirl Building, often interacting with drop-ins from Playgirl Magazine when not playing 1970s-vintage video games.

Y-Bum is a clinical narcissistic sociopath, which drives the dark comic thread. Psychiatrists and primate researchers are among consultants NBC has lined up for the show.

Saturday Night Live’s Bobby Moynihan leads the list of actors with a shot at the name part. But improving CGI economics and the appropriately creepy affect of computer-generated human characters have producers looking at making Y-Bum the first fully-CGI lead character in a network TV sitcom. That and compassion for an actor who quite possibly could wind up being typecast as a very sick Wall Street fuck for the rest of his career.

NBC is trying to keep a lid on the project, fearing the early buzz could spawn a host of competing “bailout snarfing malignant Wall Street fudgedrawers idiot psycho put a face on the global meltdown” knock-off comedy shows.

“You don’t need comedy writers for this kind of show,” we were told. “You can cut and paste whole scripts from 10-K financial reports, court records and transcripts of Manhattan psychiatrists’ office surveillance tapes.”

Early focus group response has been off the charts, according to a reliable source. “Women like seeing a bad boss get his comeuppance a la 9-to-5. But he’s a monster who could erupt suddenly and literally eat your face off in two bites, which pulls in the young male audience. Older viewers, who’ve had their mutual funds and 401-Ks robbed and who resent paying for the bailout, want to get their yucks too, figuring it’s their only compensation.”

We were told: “You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll kiss $787 billion goodbye.”

Earnings Spike for Glacier Global Partners LLP

WHITE PLAINS, NEW YORK — Glacier Global Partners LLP will report positive quarterly earnings for the first time since its inception, co-founder Yaniv Blumenfeld announced.

Earnings from continuing operations continues to trend downward, although Glacier Global reported several new sources of continuing revenue: collections from unauthorized pay toilet meters installed in common area rest rooms in the Manhattan building where Glacier Global leases 600 square feet, sales of toilet paper requisitioned from said rest rooms, sales of second-hand mops and buckets cadged from the building’s janitor closets, protection revenue from other tenants in the building, rental of the office as a homeless shelter during off hours, miscellaneous blackmail receipts and revenue from the promising fake electronic tax return filing segment.

Nonrecurring revenue included payments by former unpaid interns to settle non-compete lawsuits and settlements arising from frivolous personal injury claims against the firm’s previous landlord at 1166 Avenue of the Americas.

A single extraordinary revenue item brought Glacier Global’s quarterly bottom line solidly into the black. Glacier Global recognized a portion of a $20 million receivable attributed to an advance fee arrangement with a member of the Nigerian Royal Family. The firm has satisfied its obligations under the agreement with Nigerian Crown Prince Naboo Naboo and Blumenfeld said he expects the receivable to be liquidated in the third quarter. “Nigeria has a BB- (stable outlook) rating from both S&P and Fitch, so this is pretty much a no-brainer,” according to Blumenfeld. Glacier Global used a forward currency swap to hedge against currency fluctuations on the euro-denominated unsecured promissory note. There was no comment from Prince Naboo Naboo, who went radio silent at approximately the moment Glacier Global’s wire transfer went through, about three weeks ago.

Soon to be OBE. (Photo Credit: Lindsay Adams for Fatwapalooza)

Blumenfeld said the outlook for coming quarter is even better. The firm expects to recognize a gain in connection with the anticipated expungment of the lingering Five Franklin Place Fatwa, issued by a Shia Mufti in 2007 against the firm’s proposed TriBeCa condo development. The Five Franklin Place Fatwa is an absolute Islamic death sentence or Haraam deduced from Qur’anic verses and ahadith and imposed upon anyone connected with the property, including owners, tradesmen, financiers and occupants. Until now, the fatwa’s stigma led potential lenders and condo buyers to shun Five Franklin Place. Now Glacier Global has engaged a Talmudic neo-Tanna to expunge the fatwa and drape a veil of spiritual protection around the property through esoteric mysticism. The resulting immediate cessation of mysterious acts of sabotage that have plagued the Five Franklin Place development, along with the stigma’s erasure, will substantially boost the property’s value according to a draft appraisal.

A capital investment involving magic beans is also expected to begin cash flowing almost immediately, Blumenfeld said.