Category: Venture Capital


Glacier Global Workers Say Ronald McDonald A Better Boss Than Y-Bum

Glacier Global Partners' former unpaid interns say they are delighted at being paid real money for fewer than 18 hours of daily labor at their new workplace: McDonalds on Second and 39th

Glacier Global Partners LLP co-founder Yaniv Blumenfeld was in for a surprise when showed up for work on Tuesday, April 19 at 11:30 am. The deteriorating real estate investment firm’s Manhattan satellite office on 801 Second Avenue was completely abandoned.

Finding a Post-It note on the office door, Blumenfeld rode the elevator back up to the first floor and walked south on Second Avenue. Four blocks away he found his entire crew of office workers at a McDonalds restaurant. That morning Blumenfeld’s workers, most of whom are unpaid interns, had all taken new wage-paying McJobs.

McDonald’s restaurants, including the Manhattan location on 701 2nd Avenue (at 39th Street) held a national hiring day April 19 with the goal of filling 50,000 jobs nationwide.

When McDonald’s manager Andy Feldhuhn unwittingly offered Blumenfeld the role of promotional clown Ronald McDonald, Blumenfeld reportedly made such an angry scene that Feldhuhn almost had to call the police.

In an interview this week, Blumenfeld expressed bewilderment. “I understand that, for the unpaid interns, a paying job has appeal. But I can’t believe they’d give up the prestige of working for a third-tier investment firm in a fancy Second Avenue office.”

Especially stunning, Blumenfeld said, was the loss of his paid part-time director of development, Bob Underballs. A student at Manhattan’s Fashion Institute of Technology, Underballs had extensive experience installing art installations at SoHo art galleries. Blumenfeld is now accusing Underballs of taking the development job at Glacier Global in bad faith just weeks ago. “I think he just wanted to work in the Playgirl Building,” Blumenfeld sputtered.

We have to lay face down in his presence or else he feels disrespected

Workers say they were forbidden to make eye contact with Yaniv Blumenfeld

White Plains, New York-based Glacier Global intends to pursue legal action against all of the former employees based on a draconian non-compete agreement they signed. “They explicitly agreed not to share any of our proprietary information with any fast food restaurants or clogged plumbing snakers,” said a spokesman for Yaniv Blumenfeld, Yaniv Blumenfeld. “Technically they were not slaves, so they were in no way covered by the Emancipation Proclamation of 1863.” Blumenfeld insisted he was not to blame for failing to padlock the office door the previous evening, nor for any of the other catastrophes with which he has been associated.

A former Glacier Global Partners intern, now working the night shift at McDonalds’s, agreed to be interviewed provided she was not named. “At least McDonald’s won’t be a stain on my resume,” she said. Regarding Blumenfeld, “I’ll be happy if I never see that little fudgedrawers again.”

Glacier Global Partners Turd Tombstone

An ass kabob embedded in an acrylic egg commemorates Glacier Global Partners LLP's latest deal.

WHITE PLAINS, NY — Yabai Engineering, Inc. is teaming with investment partnership Glacier Global Partners LLP to champion what the Secaucus, New Jersey-based high-tech firm hopes will be the hottest new building system technology: flatulence abatement systems.

But the high-tech investment deal is getting less buzz than a tchotchke that is usually a minor by-product of a financial deal: the ‘deal toy’ or ‘tombstone.’

In the finance and investment banking world, a ‘deal toy’ or ‘tombstone’ is typically a customized piece of acrylic swag intended to mark and commemorate the closing of a business deal. The geegaw’s recipients are the clients of the advisors and financiers, so the knickknack also acts as a marketing tool for the presenter long after the transaction has passed.

What makes Glacier Global Partners’ egg-shaped acrylic tombstone unusual is that the bauble contains a real shit turd embedded inside. That’s right, a genuine brown missile from right out of someone’s ass.

“It’s an actual fucking toilet log,” confirmed Glacier Global co-founder Yaniv Blumenfeld. “It’s our way of dramatizing that we have our shit together,” the diminutive Blumenfeld said, sweating nervously over a recent or anticipated blunder. “It also ties in to our client’s flatulence abatement technology. Flatulence is fundamentally aerisolized doodie,” Blumenfeld explained, mispronouncing ‘aerisolized’. Blumenfeld declined to reveal the name of the person who busted the dook, citing privacy concerns.

Investment tombstones are most commonly made of versatile and economical acrylic. Crystal, resin, faux stone, wood, metal and glass are also used. The use of brown dookie to memorialize an investment deal appears to be a striking innovation.

Until now, tombstones were considered status symbols. Having many deal toys advertised that a banker had gently extruded many deals. Investment observers are waiting to see if the butt sausage tombstone will catch on. Can a fecal biscuit encased in acrylic be a prized symbol of achievement? On Wall Street, perhaps, anything is possible. “It’s almost telling the truth” about a deal, one skeptical banker noted.

…developing…

Keep them coming! -hp

Young Yaniv Blumenfeld: This screw-up is the fault of that little shiksa member of the Future Mortgage Originators Club sitting there in the back of the room!!

Young Yaniv Blumenfeld: 'This screw-up is the fault of that little shiksa member of the
Future Mortgage Originators Club sitting there in the back of the room!!'

Thank you for the submission! I hope there will be many more. –hb

Bear Stearns Perps Arrested

Bear Stearns honchos arrested, but their willing minions remain free to prey on society.

Two former Bear Stearns managers were arrested on charges linked to the collapse of a hedge fund that bet heavily on subprime mortgages before the market collapsed, federal authorities said.

Y-Bum

Y-Bum

Has anything changed since then? “A revolution without firing squads is meaningless.”

“My work is done here,” said Yaniv Blumenfeld.

FBI agents escort handcuffed Bear Stearns hedge fund managers

FBI agents escort handcuffed Bear Stearns hedge fund managers

More here.