Click photo for a special message from Yaniv Blumenfeld
NEW YORK, NEW YORK — Disgraced real estate investor Yaniv Blumenfeld has been named the Comeuppance Foundation’s 2012 Poster Boy, the philanthropic organization announced.
Created in 1979 through the merger of the “Make A Wish Foundation-Special Victims Unit” and Darwin, Australia-based “Save the Saltwater Crocodiles”, the Comeuppance Foundation is one of the world’s most respected charities.
“What comes around, goes around,” as the saying goes. But while a person’s good or bad actions normally have irregularly occurring consequences for that person, the Comeuppance Foundation is dedicated to “reducing inefficiency, uncertainty and delay in the righteous and mighty administration of Bad Karma”.
Only nine percent of every tax-deductible dollar donated is spend on administration and marketing, making the Comeuppance Foundation one of the nation’s most efficient charities. The remaining 91 percent goes to direct program services: opening a can of whup-ass and introducing a world of pain to thousands of Bad Karma-laden assholes, buttheads and motherfuckers worldwide.
The Comeuppance Foundation’s Annual Poster Boy award creates public awareness that no matter how bad a person is, their lives can still serve a valuable purpose. They can serve as a horrible example for others.
“We are committed to the Golden Rule–do unto others as we would have done unto ourselves,” said foundation Executive Director Victor “Crown Vic” Underballs. “If we were motherfucking dirtbag assholes, how would we ourselves wish to be treated?”
“We would want to be punished,” Underballs said. “Severely punished.”
Some Comeuppance Foundation charitable activities are well known, almost a staple of popular culture.
To visit justice on rude drivers who maliciously honk their horns and flash their high beams, the Comeuppance Foundation's fleet of White Ford Crown Victorias are armed with 7,000-lumen A380 aircraft landing lights and horns meeting Amtrak train specifications.
The iconic ‘White Crown Vic’ program targets rude and obnoxious drivers, such as the unreasoning pinheads who honk their car horns way too much or who blind other drivers with aggressive and malicious use of their high beam headlights. Based on surveillance camera recordings and tips received from the public, the Foundation’s fleet of White Ford Crown Victoria sedans use special tracking electronics to hunt down the assholes in their vehicles. A large compressed air tank installed in the Crown Vic’s trunk provides power to deafening front- and rear-mounted Amtrak train horns. The terrified asshole usually loses bowel control along with the ability to discern musical pitch and sounds quieter than 70 dB HL after the horns are mercilessly blasted directly in his or her face
Both the front and back of the Crown Vic are augmented with a pair of 7,000-lumen high-intensity headlamps, originally manufactured for use as Airbus A380 jumbo jet plane landing lights. When the Crown Vic flashes its high beams on an asshole, the blinded motherfucker typically wipes out on a guardrail or rolls his car into a ditch.
Office bullies, who viciously snipe at subordinates and engage in non-constructive criticism and scapegoating, are major contributors to Bad Karma in the universe today. The Foundation responds by hiring as consultants highly-placed executives within the bully’s organization, but who are senior to the asshole in the organization’s management hierarchy.
The Comeuppance Foundation is dedicated to reducing inefficiency, uncertainty and delay in the righteous and mighty administration of Bad Karma
The senior executive/consultant attends the shithead’s business meetings to abuse the asshole in front of his subordinates with custom-scripted remarks such as, “Is this some kind of a joke?”, “This is beginning to look like another [insert target’s name here] clusterfuck.”, “That’s the stupidest thing I ever heard!”, and “By the way, I screwed your wife.”
In 1987, the Foundation began marketing bogus investment securities to asshole Wall Street investment bankers. The Foundation’s sham money management company, Fidelity Investments, has sold over $2.1 billion in worthless investments to Wall Street motherfuckers, including $460 million to partners of Goldman Sachs alone. The jerks will never recover any of these funds because they were invested in instruments originated for sale to the public by the very same investment bankers, as well as in Glacier Global Partners, lottery tickets, Nigerian advance fee schemes and other sucker plays as permitted by the typically vague Wall Street language contained in the prospectuses.
A leader in Karmic innovation, the Comeuppance Foundation introduced the now-universal practice of compounding Bad Karma at usurious rates. An asshole’s accumulated Bad Karma can now triple in less than three years through the passage of time alone, even with no additions to principal.
For the most egregious assholes, those pricks even worse than 2012 Poster Boy Yaniv Blumenfeld, the Foundation conducts discreet interventions. The Foundation’s regulatory filings allude to these activities in a footnote referring to contractual relationships with Triple Canopy, Blackstone, Halliburton and local forensic cleaning companies.
“Thank you for all the kindness, support and compassion,” Blumenfeld said. “I am humbled by the love. Thank you.”
helgabluth 