New Death Star to Sport Glacier Global Partners Logo

Despised symbol of galactic malice, the newly-christened Glacier Global Partners Death Star

Special to helgabluth

By S-Bek

The Galactic Empire’s newest superweapon will be named the Glacier Global Partners Death Star. In an unusual cross-marketing deal, the most destructive force in the Universe will team up with a tiny, obscure White Plains, NY-based financial firm with only limited destructive potential.

The Death Star is a moon-sized space station and superweapon capable of destroying a planet with a single destructive beam. A flawed predecessor, the Enron Death Star, was destroyed by the Rebel Alliance in 2001 during a dispute over financial accounting abuses.

K-Pax, a spokesman for the loathed interplanetary dictatorship, said the Empire sees the move as a way to enhance its malicious image. “We wanted a malignant brand like Glacier Global that would reinforce the fear and loathing people associate with the Galactic Empire.” Despite Glacier Global’s egregious reputation, the Empire’s new link to a hapless local firm that is by all accounts barely scraping by could, however, erode its perceived invincibility, industry sources said.

Technology upgrade: Glacier Global's ColecoVision home game console will be replaced with a Galactic Empire-supplied Nintendo Wii in a major enterprise information system overhaul.

Glacier Global (slogan: “Quietly losing shareholder value”) was identified by the Empire’s longtime advertising agency, B-Ad, based on a single focus group quirkily selected from a narrow segment of the Earth’s human population. The focus group consisted of construction tradesmen, consumer credit collection agents, forensic house cleaners and Girl Scouts all from the White Plains area of New York. Group members supplied horrific anecdotes that quickly convinced Supreme Galactic Emperor and convicted war criminal E-Palp to shortcut the selection process. The deal was cemented when Glacier Global’s co-founder, Y-Bum, reportedly bonded with E-Palp’s equally diminutive astromech droid, E0-BO. Y-Bum quickly agreed to terms that included Glacier Global’s promise to betray the rest of the human race when the time comes in return for immediate delivery of a new Nintendo Wii electronic gaming console.

PLAYGIRL Welcomes Glacier Global Partners, Yaniv Blumenfeld to The Playgirl Building

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

NEW YORK — The Playgirl Building, 801 Second Avenue, New York, is pleased to welcome new tenant Glacier Global Partners, LLP. Glacier Global Partners is in the business of, we are informed, Turd Mining.

PLAYGIRL Magazine is known around the globe as the primary source for hot nude men, male hunks and muscular studs. The solo male videos, high definition male model pictorials, in-depth articles and interactive content make PLAYGIRL.com the most popular website celebration of the male body anywhere online!

PLAYGIRL welcomes Glacier Global Partners, LLP to The Playgirl Building, 801 Second Avenue, New York.
Above: The Men of TransAtlantic Capital Advisors.

This space reserved for 'The Men of Glacier Global Partners,' an upcoming PLAYGIRL pictorial.

Gentlemen of Glacier Global Partners: please email your portfolios to editorial@playgirlmag.com. Or better yet drop down to the ninth floor for an audition. We know you can use the extra cash to pay for things. Especially since most of you seem to be unpaid interns.

The Playgirl Building extends its best wishes to Glacier Global Partners for a fully rent-paying occupancy.

Management also wishes to remind tenants to be aware of security on the premises. Now more than ever you should keep your suite entry doors locked and make sure all purses, wallets and other valuables are secured.

In connection with Glacier Global Partners’ Grand Opening, the 22nd floor restrooms will be open to the public indefinitely.

More here.

Young Yaniv Blumenfeld

Young Yaniv Blumenfeld: 'This screw-up is the fault of that little shiksa member of the
Future Mortgage Originators Club sitting there in the back of the room!!'

Thank you for the submission! I hope there will be many more. –hb

Glacier Global Website ‘Coming Soon’ For Third Straight Year

The Glacier Global Partners web site has been “Coming Soon” for three years going on now. This may give creditors something idea to expect when the troubled investment company tells that the invoice will be paid “soon”.

Glacier Global website has been "Coming Soon" for three years going on

If writing a simple web page is so difficult, does that mean you’re a nitwit? Well, yes, I’m afraid it does! Here’s what you’re saying:

• We are not finished and have nothing of value on this page.
• We have a great vision that one day this page will actually be finished and complete. Please share our delusion.
• We haven’t really come to terms with the web as an extremely fluid and dynamic information technology.
• Interfacing to new technologies is a really big effort for us.
• We have a persistent fantasy about being able to eloquently express exactly who we are with this web page. Until that comes to fruition, please view our lack of expressive power as merely a temporary phenomenon.

You’re fortunate to have helgabluth to pick up the slack for you.

More here.

Fire Sale

18 Roland Drive, White Plains, New York, is up for sale now that the fire damage has been repaired.

18 Roland Drive, White Plains: Some house shoppers might be bothered by
the traffic noise from the Hutch more than the cat pee odor

‘Large Loss’ Gaines Abandons Melting Glacier Global Partners

Nigerian-flagged SS Yaniv Blumenfeld wallows in Long Island Sound with a full cargo of Scheiße Buchstaben.

By Two-Gun Crowley

Special to helgabluth

WHITE PLAINS, NY – April 4, 2011 – Jones Lang LaSalle (JLL) announced today that it rescued Wall Street drowning rat Kellogg Gaines from the sinking ship of White Plains, NY-based Glacier Global Partners, LLP. Once the soaking-wet Gaines dries out, he will be tasked with trying to get various financial institutions to invest in his specialty, bad loans, while hoping to hang on at JLL long enough until the stigma of Glacier Global Partners wears off. But given current financial markets, Gaines is unlikely to meet with success except with the most gullible lenders. “If he’s lucky, he might dump a few turds on New York Life,” according to an investigator in the New York attorney general’s office.

Gaines will bear essentially meaningless title of “Managing Director”, laboring on commission until the office market comes back, at which time JLL will either lease the space to a real tenant or give Gaines’ desk to someone else more productive, probably an office leasing broker. (Editor’s note: “Managing Director” is the new “Vice President”.)

The Good Years: Gaines Closes $12 Million CMBS Loan

“We had a desk to fill and we filled it. Attracting a survivor like Kelly, who has 20 years of turd mining experience with 15 of those in the muddy trenches of third- and fourth-tier Wall Street firms and first-tier bucket shops is proof that we are committed to staying in business for at least another year,” said Jay Koster. “With all that experience, it’s hard to believe the guy’s never served any time.”

Tom Fish added, “Kelly is notorious among CMBS (Scheiße Buchstaben) special servicers,” who honored him with the punny moniker ‘Large Loss’ Gaines. “He’s left a Shermanesque trail in throughout every major market in the United States. He’ll definitely synergize backward overflow for our clients.” For his part, ‘Large Loss’ Gaines loves the nickname and trades on it. “They’re calling me Large!”

Depending on who wants to know, Gaines claims two decades of diversified real estate ‘experience’ obtained by officing in roughly the same building where about $8 billion of commercial real estate ‘loans’ were being “worked on by someone”. Whatever Gaines’ actual role, it is unlikely he was a ‘major mover’ in bringing about the nation’s most recent financial meltdown as he claims.

Glacier Global Brown Out. "Why is it so dark?"

A well-placed source acknowledged that Gaines’ abandoned role as a Partner of Glacier Global Partners, LLC, was basically a fake position intended to fill a gap on his resume during the financial depression until a real job appeared. Gaines realized it was time to move on—to anywhere else, really—once the malignant Glacier Global started to look like a liability. At least that’s the story that minimizes his potential culpability. Previously he also showed up for work at several other discredited financial firms where he was responsible (but not to blame) for suborning their credit and compliance departments and ginning up the cosmetic underwriting paperwork necessary to stick unsophisticated, vulnerable institutional CMBS bond buyers with low-quality loans secured by the nation’s least-desirable real estate. Or, in Wall Street jargon, “originating commercial real estate loans for securitization, flatulization, syndication and on-book executions.”

Yaniv Blumenfeld

Notwithstanding the the loss of his partner-level ColecoVision gaming privileges at Glacier Global, Gaines allowed that his new office space at JLL was “way better” than the cubbyhole he occupied in the sooty White Plains home basement belonging to Yaniv Blumenfeld, Glacier Global’s head turd miner. “There’s also a lot less screaming going on in the background” at JLL, Gaines said.

Of course it was fraud

Financial crisis: Maybe it was fraud after all

Oct 13th 2010, 19:06 by M.S.

BACK when the global financial crisis first broke, there was a lot of debate over whether blame should be assigned to deliberate fraud by financial-industry actors, or whether the whole phenomenon was simply an unfortunate catastrophe based on systemic miscalculations. General opinion settled on the unfortunate-catastrophe thesis. But Felix Salmon writes about one area in which fraud may in fact have played a substantial role, by deceiving the investors who ultimately purchased mortgage-backed securities. “There’s a pretty strong case,” Mr Salmon writes, that banks that put together mortgage-backed securities “lied to the investors in many if not most of these deals.” He focuses on Clayton Holdings, a company which performed due diligence on some 70% of the mortgages packaged into bonds by banks, checking them to see whether they in fact conformed to the standards the banks represented to investors.

More here.

We Need More of This

Bear Stearns honchos arrested, but their willing minions remain free to prey on society.

Two former Bear Stearns managers were arrested on charges linked to the collapse of a hedge fund that bet heavily on subprime mortgages before the market collapsed, federal authorities said.

Y-Bum

Has anything changed since then? “A revolution without firing squads is meaningless.”

“My work is done here,” said Yaniv Blumenfeld.

FBI agents escort handcuffed Bear Stearns hedge fund managers

More here.

Yuck Truck

Some thinking of Yaniv Blumenfeld. Here is truck opinion for deadbeater of Yaniv Blumenfeld in Glacier Global Partners

Eurohypo Investor Lawsuit is Another Ripple Effect of Rogue Banker Yaniv Blumenfeld Catastrophe

FRANKFURT | Tue Aug 17, 2010 9:43pm IST

FRANKFURT Aug 17 (Reuters) – A group of retail investors has filed a lawsuit against German property lender Eurohypo (NHYGga.H) in a move to recoup their share of the company’s losses in the financial crisis.

The lawsuit is just another ripple effect stemming from the catastrophe surrounding rogue Eurohypo banker Yaniv Blumenfeld.

The SDK shareholder association, which is leading the lawsuit by roughly 50 investors, said on Tuesday Eurohypo should not have stopped servicing profit participation certificates and marked down their value last year.

Profit participation certificates entitle investors to a share of profits — or losses — but carry no voting rights like common stock.

SDK argued that Eurohypo, a unit of Germany’s second-biggest lender Commerzbank (CBKG.DE), unlawfully changed its policy and declined to make payments on certificates for 2009 after doing so for 2008 despite heavy losses.

Commerzbank and Eurohypo declined to comment.

Commerzbank was forced to agree to sell Eurohypo by 2014 in exchange for having about 18 billion euros in German bailout money approved by the European Commission.

Legal experts, however, do not anticipate the trial will pose a threat to the timetable of the sale of Eurohypo.

Rogue banker Yaniv Blumenfeld and friends

“I do not expect a delay in the sales process of Eurohypo due to the lawsuit,” Hildegard Ziemons from law firm CMS Hasche Sigle told Reuters.

“It stands to reason that Eurohypo did not break laws by generously paying a coupon for 2008 and then declining to pay the coupon for 2009,” she added.

SDK expects the first hearing to take place by the end of this year. Eurohypo posted a 2009 pretax loss of 515 million euros ($662.4 million) after a pretax loss of 1.2 billion in 2008, as risk provisioning rocketed in the financial crisis.

Eurohypo Chief Executive Frank Poerschke told Reuters last month that the lender will stay in the red in 2010.

Eurohypo’s troubles started with its employment of rogue banker Yaniv Blumenfeld in 2005.